Before I tell you this story I need to get you up to speed a little bit on where my life was up until Tuesday. I had broken up with my boyfriend I had been with for a little over a year over Christmas Break and realized how dependent I was on him because I kept searching for something that I thought was supposed to fill the hole he left which I didn't realize until a few days ago had a much deeper meaning than just a break up. I tried all kinds of methods to fill this hole including jumping from guy to guy attempting to find love just to be crushed every time I realized they would just let me down. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain realizing I had a huge problem but I felt powerless to stop it. I had zero confidence, family problems, no appreciation for life, and I had given up on finding God because I felt he didn't want me because I didn't have what my "Christian friends" had. I felt like a hypocrite even being around them because I felt like I would never have what they had or be like them. I felt like such a phony so I just decided I was going to give up and just do what I wanted and if God wanted me he was going to have to do something huge because nothing I was doing was working. No book I read, no Christian radio stations, no matter how many times I talked to my friends about what they had, the bible just frustrated me so I just stopped even trying to pick it up because it made no sense. So there I was drowning, and I honestly didn't care. Some part of me thought I was happy drinking basically every night and finding a new guy to distract me every few weeks. I was comfortable and knew I couldn't stop if I tried.
I had just switched guys because the one wasn't making me feel special enough and there was another one that was paying more attention to me so I decided I'd give him a chance. I met him in a bar and he had piercings all over his face and I knew him from high school. I had heard a few things about him that weren't great and I thought what happened to this guy? He never looked like this in high school but whatever I'll give him my number he probably won't call anyways. He called a few days later wanting to hang out and I thought okay, what will it hurt to hang out once. So what he has a few piercings and he has a little bit of a reputation, who am I to judge. So I hang out with him and one of his friends and find out he's actually pretty fun to be around. So I continue to hang out with him more and more and start to think I actually like him a little bit. He turns up the heat a little bit and I was like wow, he must actually really like me to be trying this hard, I like this, so I kept letting him come around until I decided I really liked him. I thought he understood me and he could make me laugh harder than anyone I knew. So what he said he's schizophrenic and bi polar and he doesn't like to take his meds because it makes him feel like a zombie. He seemed normal enough to me. So I agreed to be his girlfriend and that's when everything changed.
He started becoming really jealous, possessive, and angry, not towards me but it made me feel uncomfortable but I ignored it because he treated me so perfectly I thought and I had some much fun hanging out with him. I figured whatever he's been hurt before he'll get over it once he realizes I'm real. Now this is when the days become important. Monday, June 14th, he brings me over to to my house to get my stuff packed because he was going to take me to the airport to go to St. Pete Beach to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who are all "born again christians" which didn't mean much to me at that point. I just thought it was another word for having absolutely no fun ever again, but I still was really looking forward to going because I had always had a great connection with my aunt when I was little and also with my cousin. I needed to get away and thought it would be good to detox before my cousins big wedding that I was ready to get completely wasted out of my mind at. I needed to get ready for that. Hewasn't happy about this trip to Florida he thought I was going to go and meet guys there. I assured him it wasn't that kind of trip and that I would never hurt him like the other girls did. My parents told me they wanted to talk to me before I went to stay the night at Nick's and go on my trip. I agreed. but I wasn't happy about it. During the day Nick and I were at the house planning on him transferring to IU for a year until I graduated because he needed to "watch me". I was fine with it because I thought I wasn't happy at IU anyway because I had nothing in common with my Christian roommates and that way I could just hide out with him for the year. He got into a huge fight with his mom because she wouldn't pay his rent anymore since they hadn't paid for that month and he said she was kicking him out. He acted like it was the end of the world and was being completely irrational about the situation and calling his mom a bunch of vulgar names, I was thinking that's not cool to talk about your mom like that. I was very confused about why he was so angry. I tried to calm him down and say it would blow over but he wouldn't listen to me and I felt like a failure because I couldn't calm my boyfriend down. He went over to his mom's house while I was talking to my parents. They were very concerned about me and I basically told them their opinion didn't matter and I was going to do what I wanted to do whether they liked it or not. I told them they were wasting their breath by even talking to me about their concerns. They told me they didn't know who was sitting in front of them and I told them they better get used to it because it's the real me. They looked terrified and crushed but I didn't care all I wanted to do was leave with Nick. My dad asked me how to spell his first and last name, his address, and his phone number before I left. I thought that was weird but I didn't think too much of it. I didn't care all I could think of was the door.
We leave and my dad asks to meet him first. When he met him he never had that look on his face when he met any of the guys I had been with. I was like what is his problem? Why won't he just let me live my life. We go to get one of my girlfriends and he was complaining the whole time because he didn't want to sit there for "girl time". I didn't get it because the day before he was fine with one of my girlfriends coming to meet us for lunch but today it was different, but I talked him into it and he reluctantly accepted. I honestly didn't want to be alone with him because he was being so mean. We pick up Casey and he attempts for a little bit to act a tiny bit nicer but it doesn't last long until we get to the restaurant and I just wanted to drink as many margaritas as possible as fast as possible so I didn't even care he was being mean. He continues to act this way throughout the meal and noone says anything and I was very confused like I was the only one noticing how ridiculous he was being. I finally couldn't take it and I went outside and cried because I didn't know why he was treating me that way all of a sudden. He was so sweet the day before. He came outside and hugged me and turned back to sweet Nick enough to get me to come back inside and calm down. We decided to go back to his house where I did his dishes because he had helped me clean my house a few days before, so I wanted to be nice and help him out since his roommate was out of town. And I'm not talking rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. I washed every single dish by hand and put it away. Then proceeded to clean the whole kitchen. Nick didn't say thank you, didn't smile, nothing. He threw down the rug and told me he was going to need me to sweep that too. For some reason I listened. I was so desperate for him to be happy with me. I wanted to please him so bad I just did what he said and then cleaned the rest of the house. After I was done he still didn't say thank you but instead accused me of cleaning the house because I was going to cheat on him in Florida. He kept saying cutting remarks all night and being mean. Everyone in the house ignored this behavior. Finally I got mad and told him if he was going to continue to treat me like crap I was going to leave. One of my other friends that came over told me that he said "he could get another b#$%@ over here tomorrow". I just sat there and cried because I had no idea why he was being like that. He finally came inside and I asked him if that's how it was really going to be that I missed nice Nick I ddn't know what I did. My friend offered to take me to her house and take me to the airport but I refused and told her I would stay to work things out. We ended up falling asleep, I think he said sorry but I don't really remember. The next morning I wake up and start cuddling with him then I get this really sick feeling. I try to ignore it. He asks me if I'm going to come with him to his dr's appts at 9 and 1 with him. I tell him I have to be at the airport at 215 and he insists it will only take 20 or 30 minutes. That's when I came to the realization that he wasn't going to let me get on that plane if I didn't get out right then. I told him I was going to have someone else take me to the airport since he had those dr's appts. He asked me if was going to go to his 9 o clock one with him at least. That's when the bad feeling got worse to more of a terrified feeling telling me I needed to get out then or I wasn't getting on the plane. I told him no I needed to go then, and he started to get angry. That was when something told me I needed to call my dad or he was going to freak out. I called my dad in the bathroom and told him he needed to come get me right now and then when Nick walked past I acted casually like nothing was wrong. The bad feeling was telling me I needed to remain calm and act like everything was fine. It wasn't the time to tell him that I couldn't be with him. I just needed to get to the airport as far as he knew at that time. While I was getting my things ready he sat on the couch just looking at me. I was so scared he was going to flip out and refuse to let me leave but I tried to be as nice as possible so he thought everything was fine. I just needed to get out the door. It was like my knight in shining armor showed up when I saw my dad come up in the truck. When I was getting my stuff out of his car and he was inside I told my dad not to say anything to him just to let me get in the car and drive away as fast as possible. He follows my directions and I get in the car as Nick yells this if F#$%ing Bull#$%@. I was surprised my dad didn't hear him.
After we drive away the calls and texts start coming again. It's Nice Nick again. He's so sorry that he can be mean sometimes and promises he won't do it again, that he loves me, I'm the only one that makes him happy, are we over? I ignore him until I get to my grandma's house because I'm terrified he's going to stalk me or vandalize my stuff. I never expected in my wildest dreams what was about to happen next. I tell him I care for him but that he needs to get help and get back on his meds. That I feel hurt and manipulated because he obviously knew he had a problem because he told me about his sicknesses when he was completely coherent. I tell him I will be there for him no matter what but what he needs is to work on him that he's not in the position for a girlfriend. He asks me if he can call me to hear my voice one last time. He was crying when he called and told me he couldn't stand the thought of being without me knowing how happy he was with me and that he didn't deserve to live if he hurt me the way he did. He said he was going to take his shotgun out back and shoot himself and that he was going to let me hear the shot. I was like no what are you talking about you just need to get help don't say that, don't do it and he said he was going to do it so I hung up and called 911 and told them that there what happened and that someone needed to get over there now that he needed help. The police officer calls me back about a half hour later asking me what happened. I really thought they had him sitting there handcuffed. I swore I heard his voice in the background. I asked if he was okay, and the police officer said no, he really did it, he's dead........
I fell on the floor sobbing. It was by far the worst moment of my entire life. It was like I was just hit by train speeding towards me 100 mph. My grandma came in and I told her to just leave me alone. I just wanted to be alone. My grandma called my parents and they were there within minutes I was talking to someone on the phone I don't even remember who sobbing telling them what happened. That God saved me that day from that house. He told me that I needed to get out that something terrible was going to happen. I didn't realize how much he really did save me until later.
My parents and my grandma asked if I really wanted to go to Florida and I didn't even think about it I told them I was going. NOTHING was stopping me from getting on that plane. I end up going to the airport a mess crying through security, at the bar when I ordered a drink even though I felt like I didn't really want to drink but I didn't know what else to do. I ended up taking a sip and then it fell over and broke and spilled everywhere. Now that I look back that was God telling me I didn't need to drink but I started sobbing so the bartender gave me an extra strong drink because she felt sorry for me. I ended up sitting on the plane two seats away from a Chinese lady but there was no one in the middle seat. She saw that I was crying and she scooted over next to me and put her arm around me and listened and said everything I needed to hear. She could relate because she had a son that overcame cancer. I could really tell that she cared about me. She knew I'd had too much to drink so she walked me to my aunt and made sure I didn't attack the older lady in front of me because she kept looking at me and I felt like she was judging me when really she was probably wondering what happened to this sobbing girl behind her. I really wish I could tell that woman how much she truly helped me, but if she's the angel I believe she was then she already knows.
I see my aunt and we hug and I meet with my cousin and I just hug them. I love them so much I didn't know how special they were to me yet. We ate dinner, I told them the story, and I kept seeing his face in my head and I kept seeing people walking past me that looked like him or acted like him. It felt like he was haunting me.
That night I was sitting in the dark staring at my bed and I kept picturing him there staring back at me. I was so scared that he was going to Freddy Crougar me in my dreams like since he was dead that his spirit was free to come torment me. It didn't help that my friends that had people that died said they had weird dreams about the people that died. I was pretty petrified of sleep to say the least, but I fell asleep around 12:30 a.m. anyways and I didn't dream anything I just felt like there was this presence with me and it was very comforting, but then I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and I felt alone again so I called the one guy that had a hold on me the most last semester. I thought if only I had him THEN I would be happy. That's all I need. So I text him and at first it's all about what happened to me and then the text turned into what God had done for me and apparently God knows I have the attention span of a 2 year old so that text was enough. All of a sudden during that text I had the most amazing feeling I've ever felt. It is so hard to describe but I will do my best. It started off as tingling, then calm, then joy, and then the tingling and joy became overwhelming. My aunt and uncle said they kept hearing me say OMG OMG OMG over and over again about 30 times and they thought I was having a nightmare. I ran into my aunt and uncle's room and yelled for my aunt. We went into the bathroom and I could not stand I kept falling over because of this overwhelming feeling that I never knew existed. It was infinitely better than any amount of alcohol or drug or guy could give me. It was truly amazing. It all made sense. God loved me. I knew it for a fact without a doubt at that moment that God loved me enough to not only save me from the lion's den knowing that it was Nick's time to go without him touching a hair on my head, but it was something that huge that was going to take it for me to realize how much I really needed God and to prove his love to me. He didn't have to do all that, but he did because he knows my heart. He knew it was going to take something life altering to save me and he did it. I didn't deserve any of it but He did it because He loved ME that much. ME. Not just my Christian roommates. ME. KIRSTEE ANNE BRAUN. He loved me that much to save me. I didn't deserve any of it but he did it in that perfect way of his. I was doing my own thing, drowning in my sin, not thinking about God, and he was carefully crafting his perfect way to save me. And it was at that moment that I knew what the meaning of true love is. I'm literally getting chills writing this. He saved me in every way. He changed my heart. I wanted to run down the streets telling everyone how real God's love is and how powerful he really is. I truly believed at that moment Wednesday June 16th at 2:30 a.m. that anything is possible through God. I knew what all of my friends and my aunt and my uncle and my cousin were talking about. I had what they had. THIS is what had been missing. This is why I had felt so out of place around them. They had something I didn't. They were saved. I was lost. Now I'm found. God used every aspect of my life the good and the bad to save me right down to the guy who had hurt me so bad. He even used him to save me. And he can never hurt me again. I have a completely different view of him. I see him as the person he is. Not what he can do for me. Not how he can make me feel. He used my Dad that loved me so much. If I had any other Dad that would've been like screw you, you didn't want anything to do with me last night I'm not doing anything for you, but I don't. I have a Dad that will do anything for me. He will drop anything no questions asked no matter how much I've hurt him if I need him. He used something as terrible as someone committing suicide to heal me. I am free. I am healed. Of everything. Including Nick's suicide. Overnight I had peace. Overnight I loved who God made me to be right down to the belly button ring that fell out while I was at Nick's. I decided God was telling me I didn't need it. I only wore it because I didn't like how my stomach looked before without it but I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like God made me a beautiful body I just need to take care of what He has given me. I knew I wasn't going to drink ever again. I want to be who God made me to be every day all the time. I don't want to numb myself to what God wants to show me or miss an opportunity for God to use me and I don't want to be anything else than what God made me to be. I poured the Vodka and Bloody Mary mix the flight attendants gave me because they felt sorry for me and the smell was revolting to me. I had a new appreciation for life that I never had before and I knew I was right where God wanted me to be in Florida with my Born Again Christian Family. I never wanted the feeling to go away. The next morning after I woke up I was so scared it was just some freak occurence and I prayed please God don't let me forget what happened, please don't let me forget what you did for me, please let this be real, and he answered my prayer and gave me peace. I knew it was real. I couldn't wait to start my new walk with God. I couldn't wait to tell everyone what God had done for me. To follow God's will for my life. To learn who God made me to be. So much has already happened but I don't have time to write all that right now. I think God is telling me this is good for now.
